Thesis and Dallas

HEY Y’ALL! I know I just straight disappeared for a while, but I had good reason. I was finishing up my thesis for my Masters degree. My work has paid off and I have successfully defended my Master’s Thesis! I graduate in a couple of weeks!

My thesis compared different combinations of black multiracial marriages with single race black marriages and single race white marriages to see how they measure up socioeconomically. Extremely interesting findings, I’ll share them later if y’all care.

ANYHOOOO, shenanigans were planned for last Friday and Saturday! The stars aligned themselves for a Dallas trip: One of my very best blog homies turned real life friends KIT was flying in to Dallas from NYC to spend Foodgiving with her family. Now, two of my other very best blog homies turned real life friends LIVE in Dallas: MRS MARY MACK and DESIREE. So a lightbulb went off and I began planning THE HOLY TRINITY OF BLOGGING FRIENDS DRIVE TO DALLAS. I decided to drive on up and stay at Kit’s mom’s house (she so graciously offered to let me crash there) and then address the plan of attack with the girlz.

I became friends with these 3 ladies separately, and my friendships with them have been going something like 2 years now. I found Kit’s blog back in 2008 and lurked, then joined Twitter and it was destiny from there. With me having tweets like “Every time a tittay is tattooed, God punts a kitten” and her having tweets like “This chicken makes me wanna bark like a dog”, there was really not much else that needed to be said. We have been nicknamed Pixie and Dixie by other unsavory friends, we’ve talked about pretty much EVERYTHING under the sun and have helped each other through struggles and stresses.

I found Mrs. Mary Mack’s blog back in 2008 (I think) and lurked, and we also followed the blog/Twitter path to friendship. We were “hair cousins”, gossiped about marriage, undesirable people, Dallas vs. Houston rivalries, and future dreams. I’ve “been there” since before she was pregnant, to her being pregnant and her feelings about it, to giving birth, to raising her awesome daughter.

Desiree found my blog back in 2008 (I think) and we both visited each other’s blogs often. I was in a unique position with her, as I saw her blog from the very beginning since she began blogging in 2008 and have now seen her attract more and more friends and visitors with her warmth and writing style. I’ve “been there” through her relationship with her then-boyfriend, then husband, wins, losses, and now a baby girl baking in her womb.

So needless to say, I was too excited to meet up with my homies in person!

Friday after Foodgiving I hit the road and arrive at Kit’s mom’s house around noon. She was surrounded by streets with the most enchantedest names such as Juniper and Wild Cherry. I pull up and Kit is on the sidewalk doing a jig in her jammies. I almost turned the car around right then, but I went ahead and parked. We got situated, dressed, introduced to family, hit up Mackie (Mrs Mary Mack) for lunch planz, and drove off to meet her. We blasted classy tunes such as Juvenile’s Back That Thang Up and discussed pressing matters like how Mannie Fresh rapped like he was just so cute but really, out of that entire group, who WOULD be your best option, and so forth. Mackie so kindly and thoughtfully chose The Spiral Diner, an all vegan eatery. Kit and I drove up to the wrong restaurant and got out all crunk, then realized we needed to walk two doors down. As we walked, we observed the next street was ‘Zang’ Street and couldn’t handle it. ZANG. ZZZZANG.

We walked in and Mackie’s gorgeous self stood up, smiling and waving. We all hugged, then hugged her ever-precious daughter, FUD (Former Uterine Dweller). Mackie said I had a sexy voice. MY VOICE IS SEXY, Y’ALL. We ordered our food, which was good except for Kit’s “jerk chicken” sandwich with BLACK FRIDAY written in mayonnaise on the bread. I know. I don’t know. Mind you, on our table was this:

…so we pretty much knew what kind of day this was going to be. Then, while FUD was walking around, snatching people’s phones and making calls on them because hey, she got thangs to do, this older white woman with an askew big fluffy wig and glasses, and a dress that made me think she might have played on Designing Women walked over to us smiling and said, “Can I tell y’all a story?” Immediately, my “I’m gonna tell a black people story to these black people so they know I’m not racist” radar goes off because we’re in Texas for one, Dallas for two, and that’s just how shit goes when a woman like that walks up to a group of skrong black women (I choked typing that) so we all listen as she talks about her husband (I think) who drove trucks (right?) and said he had no idea Texas had so many beautiful black women and where are all the beautiful black women in Arkansas (dying) and she said something like Well darlin, Texas has beautiful women period! And I just wanted to tell y’all that y’all are beautiful and she (FUD) is a doll! Then she strolled off on her pimp walk back to her booth with Sophia from Golden Girls and we all proceeded to stare at each other with pursed lips trying not to die a little.

Kit draped her scarf around FUD, who then proceeded to STUNT on everyone in the diner. She walked close to a table with a big group and just stood there like “You see me right?” I was DONE.

We made plans to go out later that night, took a group photo and went our separate ways. BTW, Mackie suggested we go down ZANG street to see the sights, we took ZANG and promptly got LOST. NO GOOD CAN COME FROM ZANG STREET.

We finally made it back to Kit’s mama’s house and chillaxed with her family for a while. The following things happened, not necessarily in this order:
1. Kit’s mom said Kit had her practicing her stone face and she showed it to me
(-_-)
2. Kit’s mom’s interior designer Alex breezed into the house effervescently with his long luscious curls bouncing behind him as he greeted everyone with kisses and flitted from room to room like he lived there.
3. Kit made me some of her world-famous fruit-infused sangria and I went from standing, to leaning casually on the counter, to sitting, to slumped, to Imo gone and take a nap, BAI and was out for the next few hours.

4. Somebody blasted Halleh Berreh downstairs.

Kit woke me up and got dressed in some leggings with a see-through crotch and front legs, but opaque in the back. She pulled a long black shirt over it, stepped out in the hall to hear her mom indignantly telling her to change. It is at this point that Kit busts out for the first of many times, what I am going to call the Jagglehead Shuffle. I…..I really can’t even describe it, you’d just have to see it in person. It looks like dice games, red lipstick, nonchalance, guys with gold teeth, oil sheen, trickery, and innocence all jumbled together. We hit the road to meet Mackie at her crib, some BAWSE ASS LOFTS downtown. We met her swoll husband face-to-face, the girls drank more, we chatted at the table, then headed on down to the lounge IN HER LOFTS.

The bartender there (I think?) asked why I wunt drinking and Kit told him I was the designated driver. He got extra crunk and offered a pineapple juice on the house which I demurely accepted in a ladylike fashion. The DJ played sexy tunes such as this:

We were then approached by something called a Jurah. 6’9, locs, braces. He perched his big extra tall ass on my chair and we all proceeded to have a conversation that contained the following action items:

1. He was an intellectual property salesman, musician, and behavior interventionist for high schoolers.
2. He was 35, but in black man years he was like, 52 (these are all his words). Because he had never been to jail, his kids had his last name, and among other things he spoke other languages.
3. We asked what languages, he said Spanish.
4. We said say something in Spanish, he stumbled over some short phrases and said he just had trouble with the verbs. Oh.
5. Kit proceeded to ask him how to say “What that thang smell like” in Spanish?
6. He said “Que orer?” We then yelled that out randomly for the rest of the night.
7. Kit did the Jagglehead Shuffle.
8. When Jurah found out we all met online and were chilling together for the first time, he called us “Married Lesbian Swinger Intellectuals”.
9. He told us we had a “male deficiency” in our respective relationships, Mackie schooled him that he actually meant female deficiency and told him about the wonders of technology nowadays.
10. He told Kit there was something about her, then molested her hand to “feel her energy”. He said he couldn’t stare at her, she might try to stab him.
11. We squawked about that, he said “No, I meant she’s gonna stab me INTELLECTUALLY.”

Now, earlier in the evening, we had glimpsed a gentleman in a full white “chinchilla” coat, Kangol hat, and possible non-prescription glasses and were mesmerized. This gentleman kept staring at us, and walking by like a peacock in heat. JURAH went over to him on his way out and started pointing at us, talking to him. CHINCHILLA left his coat on his chair, cold and shivering and MACKIE goes over to take a look at it. She engages the gentleman in a conversation, then he joins us and perches his tailfeather on MY chair.

We find out that his name is Darryl-but-pronounced-DURRL. As Mackie is talking to him about his daughter, mama, and the gun he may or may not be carrying on him (this is all normal Dallas conversation) I lean back and start delicately petting his coat. HE DOES NOT FEEL ME PETTING THE COAT. OH AND DID I MENTION THE COAT HAD A HOOD ON IT TOO? A CHINCHILLA HOOD? BECAUSE IT HAD A CHINCHILLA HOOD. So Mackie’s conversing, I’m petting, and Kit is losing her marbles because she can see everything and it’s too much for her. DURRL leaves because he feels uncomfortable (not sure if it was the mama, daughter, or gun that did it) and then we decide to leave for late night snackz. We head to a diner populated with tri-colored crochet braid wearers, possible swingers, a serial killer, and a white male bowlegged waiter (this was a rare specimen to Mackie). I ate the potatoes off Kit and Mackie’s plates because I don’t have home training. My veggie burger came with a random ass bag of Sun Chips lovingly tucked into the basket.

So Mackie drops us back off, we hug goodbye and I get behind the wheel like I am gonna sleep SOOOOOO GOOOOOODDD TONIGHTTTT (because I was exhausted from driving all day) and NO SOONER had I thunk that thought then we pull up on motherfuckin Apocalypse Now on the freeway. HUGE car wreck, we later hear 9 people were injured. I tried to look it up online afterward to see what the fuhhhh happened but I didn’t see anything. So drivers are gettin ghost left and right tryna illegally get off the freeway by driving across the entrance ramp because traffic is at a standstill. Of course when EYE attempt it, a cop rolls up and bitches me out and I gotta sit there with the “You Ate Ass face”:

So we’re stuck in this wreck ass traffic for MORE THAN AN HOUR. Mind you it was already after 2am at that point, we didn’t get back to Kit’s mama’s til after 4am. During our wait, the following things occurred:
1. We watched several people stuck in traffic try AND FAIL to reverse their asses off the freeway. INCLUDING an 18-wheeler. Like, you’re an 18-wheeler, how the hell you gonna just try and back up off the freeway? NAWL BRUH. Then, somebody actually successfully eased on back through the traffic, steering and navigating like it wunt nothin’ but a thang. I knew then that Kit and I might don’t make it.
2. A group of 3 young people in a taxi cap said EFF THIS and straight climbed out the taxi and disappeared behind the guard rail. I felt bad for the cabbie, like maybe he was lonely and needed the company.
3. Some young “ethnic” gentlemen decided NOW was the time for everyone to hear the latest coons tunes with the volume and bass turnt all the way up while they got out their cars and walked around traffic like we were at a got damned car show, smoking and thangs.

4. I have my car running the whole time because it’s COLD so we have the heat on; Kit starts dozing off and mumbles “This heat is holdin’ us down.”

5. The dude in front of us (well, kinda, everyone was kind of angled in) car battery died and I wonder just how long will it take for this scene to turn into The Walking Dead.

6. Kit wakes up and forces me Chris Crocker’s Twitter profile picture while giggling. (I can’t find it online, he changed it). I die.

We FINALLY get home and I sleep like a starfish. The next morning I get up, pack up my stuff and go find Kit to say goodbye. On the sofa, I see two little ignant ass legs sticking out of various linens, blankets, and Snuggies like a cunty Wicked Witch of the West. I hug her and her mama goodbye and set off for Desiree’s house.

I roll up to the curb, and a cat approaches and then climbs my windshield and plops his cat ass down on the roof of my car. I am realizing that maybe Dallas was a mistake, if this is the kind of stuff that goes on. Desiree and her husband Drew roll up with their pony dog Maya, we hug and squeal (well, not Drew) and we go inside. Instead of us going out to lunch, Desiree surprised me by cooking for me! First she gave me a tour of the house. I effing LOVE their house. It is so peaceful, pretty, charming, homey, enchanting, all these things. My mind started going into nesting mode as I made a mental note to complain to Crabby when I got back about how I wanted a HOOOOWWWWSSSSSE. A NICE HOWWWWSSSE WHERE WE CAN DO THANGS. AND PUT UP THANGS. Anyhoo, she cooked a vegetable ratatouille that was SO FULL OF YUM and we cackled, said “gurrrrllll” and just talked about our lives. It was great. I did not intend to stay in Dallas for long on Saturday because I wanted to get back before dark but I was there until about 4:30pm and I really could have stayed and talked to her all day (or at least til she got tired of me) if I didn’t have to get back. It was awesome. I miss her already!

Desiree and her baby gummybear baking! We’re in front of their rose bush. OH AND they have lavender that I rubbed my fingers on for a lovely scent. AND THEY JUST HAVE A BAWSE ASS GARDEN IN GENERAL.

I am so glad I drove up to Dallas to hang with my friends. I was TERRIFIED that maybe they wouldn’t like me or find me interesting (I have issues with social anxiety when being around people for the first time) but nothing was awkward at all. With everyone we all fell into our conversations naturally; it truly felt like an extension or continuation of what we talked about online. We laughed, we related, we ate, and GOD SAID IT WAS GOOD. These three are honestly three of the best friends I have on or off-line and I hope we’ll grow closer as the years continue. The three of them have blogs that can get personal, and mine does not get too personal that often, but I’ve gotten personal with them behind the blogs and we have genuine connections. Love you three!

Oh, also, Desiree, and Mrs. Mary Mack, y’all should meet. I think y’all would get along really well and you’re both in Dallas, are both awesome, and are both MY friend and you KNOW I have discerning tastes in the finer things so yeah.