December

December 7th was my doctor’s appointment where I began fertility testing. December 8th was my due date, had I not lost the pregnancy. December 10th was my 5-year anniversary with Crabby. Festive!

So I saw my new doctor, who I love. I showed her my charts, told her about the miscarriage, inquired about testing. She had me get my blood drawn (5-6 damn tubes of blood @__@) for hormone levels, gave me paperwork to schedule a sperm analysis for Crabby, and gave me paperwork for the HSG (hysterosalpingogram).

The HSG is a procedure where they put a catheter up your yahoo and inject iodine to see your uterus and fallopian tubes to check for blockages. It can only be done days 7-10 of your cycle. Supposedly (no hard scientific evidence) fertility increases for the 1st 3 cycles after the HSG because the dye can sometimes clear out small blockages. They told me to call in January to schedule it and I was all NAWL PLEIGHBOI SEE THAT’S WHERE YOU WRONG AT I’M ON CYCLE DAY 6 RIGHT NOW CAN WE SCHEDULE IT THIS CYCLE THANKS. So we got it scheduled for last Friday.

I went in for that, they said my tubes were clear! In the 48 hours or so following, I saw tiny clots and spotting which makes me think that the procedure DID clear something minor out of there. So needless to say I am a little hopeful for this cycle.

I’m a bit sad to have reached this milestone (my due date) without a pregnancy happening. Last year at this time I was so crunk to start trying to conceive. I had my free boxes of ovulation predictors that Desiree gave to me, I was going to start charting in January, it was going DOWN. Now, a year later here I am. Blah. What a shitty year this has been. But, I do have hope for next year and hopefully my little minicorn is ready to come into existence then.

But, on a sparkly note, Crabby and I have been married 5 years now. Cray. We’re probably the happiest we’ve ever been. Those early years of marriage people warn about ain’t no joke, I can say.

Anyhoo, next year should be better. We’ll be getting out of an expensive-ass lease so we can finally start hoarding money and traveling more. I am hopeful.

6 Years Natural

I hit the 6-year mark back in October. As I’m sure a lot of naturals in it long-term know, your hair IS “long” starting at about the 2-year mark but it doesn’t LOOK long for a while more. That was especially true in my case because my hair is really fine and light, so it took awhile for it to begin weighing itself down.

Now I’m living the good life length-wise. I can make a bun with MY OWN DAMN HAIR AND IT WILL ACTUALLY STAY IN A BUN. I can whip my hair dramatically to leave a room even if it’s for no reason. It’s great.

My current routine is an amalgamation of Teri’s method from tightlycurly.com, Francesca’s methods from heyfranhey.com, and my own ideas.

I had been doing Teri’s method for awhile but was starting to get frustrated. Even with leaving the conditioner in, separating each curl, etc. my hair would STILL get frizzy. I know a lot of that is due to Houston’s climate. That’s why I’m glad the humidity is gone (except on the occasional rainy day) so I can truly experiment now. I also realized after time, that Teri’s hair is THICK. My hair is not really thick. I think that may be a key part as why that full method isn’t giving the results I want. I was seeing too much shrinkage and poodle hair.

So I found heyfranhey and began experimenting.

I wash every Sunday. Co-wash only, no shampoo. I currently use the Whole Foods 365 conditioner to wash my scalp (huge bottle for about $5, has lasted forever), then rinse that out over the rest of my curls. I then use Giovanni (either the 50-50 hydrating or leave in…I dunno, it’s 2 different varieties that I confuse with each other) to coat my hair for the de-tangling process. Here’s where a crossroads has occurred.

I’ve been using the Denman to detangle, but it clumped my hair together too much and gave me poodle hair/shrinkage. But, the wide-tooth comb doesn’t fully detangle like I need it to. Fran finger-detangles her hair. I tried that and it took me ONE GOTDAMNED HOUR just to detangle one-FOURTH of my hair. Nawl. So I looked up some youtube videos and googled other people doing it. One girl said finger-detangling saves her time. Girl, what? So I figure I must be doing that wrong. Fran is supposed to come out with a Youtube series around January so I may revisit then if she demonstrates it.

So La gave me the idea of alternating comb first, then Denman, then comb again to loosen up the poodle curls. Ima edit that to Denman first (using Teri’s method of ends, then working the tangles out from the top and clearing from the bottom so you’re not brushing the same part of the hair over and over, which causes stress), then comb to loosen the poodle clumps.

Then, another crossroads occurred after my hair was detangled.

I was previously just leaving the conditioner in, and letting my hair air-dry. That ain’t working for me anymore. So now, I rinse the conditioner out, apply aloe vera juice (search heyfranhey.com for aloe vera juice info) to the hair while it’s still dripping wet, then put a LITTLE Giovanni as a leave-in on top.

The aloe vera juice has changed the game. It locks in the water, so your hair is super shiny and soft AND MOISTURIZED.

Then, when it comes time to put your hair up at night, yet ANOTHER crossroads. I had been doing 1-2 braids or a bun at night. Then, I tried pineappling (hair in a loose ponytail of sorts at the top center of your head, then putting a scarf over it). That shit gave me too much shrinkage, because my hair didn’t want to “lie down” when I took it down. BUT, the curls were intact and cute though. So now, I’m thinking I’m going back to alternating braids/buns for the stretch that it gives my hair. I also sleep on satin scarves draped over my pillowcase, shout out to Kit for that idea (easier than ordering satin pillowcases).

When I take my hair down in the morning, I mix a little grapeseed oil and Giovanni together to moisturize my ends, as needed and to smooth down the top of my hair if there are any fly-aways.

So I think I have almost perfected my routine. Co-wash once a week, detangle with Giovanni and Denman brush/comb combo, rinse, apply aloe vera juice, apply a little bit of Giovanni on top, air dry. Braid/bun at night, take down in the morning, apply teensy bit of oil/Giovanni mixture. Stunt. I’m going to get some peppermint oil to massage my scalp before washing, as I have heard from multiple people the benefits. I also want to pick up some Shea Moisture conditioner (I use the body wash now and OMG it is heavenly. Luxurious, and that SCENT, and all natural ingredients, I definitely recommend you try this line).

Here are some photos.

I don’t remember what combination of a routine I was doing at this point. I know I hadn’t gotten the aloe vera yet, and I know I wasn’t using the conditioner-only method. I think this was when I was just using olive oil/grapeseed oil during the week and I wanted to show the link because I was getting little shrinkage.

This was a couple of weeks ago, also on the grapeseed oil only routine at this point. It was a Sunday, and I was headed to my niece’s christening. My hair looks fierce but also dry and that’s because Sunday is my normal wash day so this was 8-day old hair at this point. I love the fluffiness though.

That’s another revelation I’ve had at 6 years natural. I LIKE FLUFFY HAIR. I just don’t like frizzy hair (for me). I’ve been focused on what will save my curls the most and showcase them with no shrinkage, and I’ve just had to accept that though, yes my hair is clearly curly, it is on the fine/light side, and throughout the course of a week, the curls naturally stretch out (if I don’t fight them) into this Chaka Khan-ish look. AND I LOVE IT. Just so you can see a comparison of what I mean, look at this last picture:

See what I mean? This photo was last week. I started the aloe vera thing, and pineappling at night. See how much shorter my hair looks? The curls are cute, yeah but I don’t like the overall effect of my hair like this. So this Sunday I’m going to modify the routine, using the same products but modifying my nighttime/morning routine. No more pineappling for me.

Anyhoo, that’s a slice of my hair life at 6 years natural. It’s awesome. I’ll post more pics as I perfect the new routine. OH, and length-wise, my hair reaches my lower-back when stretched. Just about to my badonkadonk.

Also, for a photo progression of my hair, click here.

Gray

I post occasional statuses on FB, I comment on friends’ photos and walls. I tweet. I Tumbl. I smile. I laugh. But honestly, I feel like my life is not being fully lived right now. I feel like my life is on hold until this unanswered question is resolved. Will this ever happen for me? I’m ready. I want this. I’ve waited. I’ve researched. I’ve prepared. I’ve matured. I’ve watched too many others experience this, some who wanted, some who didn’t, some who weren’t ready but became ready. Will this ever happen for me? I feel like my life is grayed out right now. I’m not living in full color. The fog creeps in at any given moment. If I’m at home, I let it creep over me. I hold it at bay when I’m not at home. It’s weighing me down though.

I want to blog about my life, but I just can’t. My grandmother died and the funeral was last Saturday. I wanted to write about making that trip to Jacksonville, TX and the unique quirks that small country city life holds. I wanted to write about that feeling going to the cemetary for burial and seeing my grandfather’s tombstone poking out of the dark, starkly, welcoming my grandmother. I want to write. I can’t.

My appointment this month was cancelled because the doctor had surgery. So because I have to time the appointment at the “right” part of my cycle, I won’t get to go back in until November. And the waiting continues. Will this ever happen for me?

Uterus Update September 2011

A gentle nudge from QQ reminded me that I need to update the blawg on the happenings. And by ‘gentle nudge’, I mean she busted through the door of G-chat like the cops and said, I quote: “Aye bitch I be meaning to ask how are you efforts on minicorning”

This is why you shouldn’t accept friends who have names beginning with the letter Q.

Anyhoo. So this is the second cycle that I was taking the evening primrose oil. Obvs didn’t result in a pregnancy the first cycle, but that’s cool (not really). So I gave it another cycle to kick in. I did not see an increase in fertile cervical fluid but you know what I did get? A GOTDAMNED DELAY IN OVULATION BY 3-4 DAYS! To put this in perspective for you: There is a window of about 3 fertile days a month. You ovulate on 1 of those days. The egg lasts 12-24 hours and then says fuck school. Charting has allowed me to pinpoint my ovulation and fertile days. I usually ovulate on Day 14 or 15 of my cycle which means I get a “positive” result on my ovulation predictor sticks on Day 12 or 13 of my cycle. When I saw I was still getting negatives by the end of Day 14? Oh nawl.

Re-enactment

So I knew immediately it had to be the Evening Primrose Oil. Back when I was researching it, I read that it could be a possible side effect, but I dismissed it since it didn’t affect last cycle at all. So I got delayed ovulation WITH no fertile cervical fluid? Nawl potna, you gotsta go. So I stopped taking them, ovulated late, whatevs. We’ll see how this cycle goes.

After last cycle’s failure, I decided to make an appointment to talk to a doctor. I started trying and charting in January, but there were also several months in 2010 that didn’t work either. So I figured I have a pretty strong case of look, I’m not getting pregnant, and that one time I did (6 months ago. I should be 6 months pregnant right now. That fucking sucks.) it didn’t survive. So I made an appointment with an OBGYN in October back in August, didn’t want to wait until October so I also made an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) which happens to be next Tuesday. So things are about to get busy. Tuesday is generally too early to tell if I got pregnant this cycle (it will be about 7 days post-ovulation), I am of course hoping I got (and will remain) pregnant and can at least not need treatment or to see the other doctor in October for that purpose.

So that’s where we are now. Questions? Comments?

See-Saw

Another month, another “failed” cycle of trying to conceive. As usual, when I realize it hasn’t happened I cry, I get down, I feel tired, I feel hopeless, defeated, etc. Then, I start focusing on what to do the next cycle.

A major benefit of charting while trying to conceive is I have learned so much about how my body and cycle works. I also figure out before my period is due whether or not I got pregnant, without needing to take a pregnancy test. All from charting.

So my period hasn’t come yet but I know it’s over this month because of my temperature. If you ever want to know more about charting just e-mail me, not going to do a thesis on it this post. But I’ve been researching stuff and I think I may have figured out why I am having trouble conceiving. The remedy?

Evening Primrose Oil supplements. I linked a website explaining it if you care to read about it. Also, isn’t that “Free pack of baby dust with each order” at the top of the page creepy? The fuck is “baby dust”? Is there a collection of baby skin peelings that they scoop into a bag and mail you, like the bulk bins at Whole Foods? Gross.

ANYWAY I’m getting a little excited because everything I’ve read about the benefits of Evening Primrose Oil match what I am experiencing. A bell rang in my head when I saw something about extreme PMS and having a lack of certain essential fatty acids. Y’all when my period comes, I die for about 2 days. Crawling on the floor dying type cramps. I don’t have fibroids or endometriosis, so when I read that a lack of certain essential fatty acids cause extreme PMS and that 1 of the benefits of Evening Primrose Oil is that it eases PMS symptoms? SOLD. Also, it mentions it increases fertile cervical fluid which I don’t seem to produce. This is not the same thing as arousal fluid, which you produce when it’s time to get thangs crackin …you’re aroused, I got that on lock already. This is specifically cervical fluid that provides an ideal environment for sperm to swim all up in your nooks and crannies looking for the egg; you should see an abundance during the few days you are fertile each month. Lack of that specific type of cervical fluid or an abundance of what they call “hostile” cervical fluid can prevent sperm from swimming where they need to go, or the sperm won’t survive as long.

So Imo pick up some capsules at Whole Foods today and see how it goes. If Minicorn 2.0 shows up because of this, just know I’ll be sitting in a big twirly chair in the shadows smirking saying things like MM-HMM with a gold Jesus piece on. Or something like that.

Sup?

Nothing much happening over here. Well, stuff happens but I forget to write about it and then I don’t feel like writing about it anymore :-/

Anyhoo, I’m hosting a giveaway at the color blog and I think all of you should enter. It’s free and free is awesome. Go here: http://glowingcolor.wordpress.com/ for details.

I’m An Aunt

Aunt sounds so stuffy so I’ma go with auntie or as some of us drawlers in the South pronounce it, ain-knee.

Anyhoo, my sister-in-law was due July 3rd. She had a difficult pregnancy with early contractions from 6 months onward, and several painful fibroids all up in the uterus. So June 26th she started having contractions again. She, Crabby, their mom, and I were playing Spades at the time while her boyfriend played Xbox or something. We were used to her contracting but since it was so close to her due date we were definitely side-eyeing her. Every other minute or so one of us would say casually, “You ah-ight? *plays card, collects book*”

At 7:50pm (I knew what time it was because we were about to watch the True Blood premiere and we were all like YOU BET NOT GO INTO LABOR BEFORE TRUE BLOOD) aaaannnd of course she goes into labor right before True Blood.

Sis-in-law: “We need to go to the hospital.”

All of us, getting ready for True Blood:

So we drive her there. Basically, since her doctor was tired of her coming in and out the hospital, she said fuck school that they would be inducing SIL around 2AM. I basically spent the entire night and morning at the hospital. Once she reached 4 1/2 cm dilated, she requested an epidural. They fucked the epidural AWL THE WAY UP. Apparently nobody knew that she had scoliosis until they tried the epidural. They ended up sticking her 5 times, there was blood all in the bed, AND THEN IT DIDN’T FULLY WORK. So hours later they had to RE-DO THE EPIDURAL. Also, the stupid-ass nurse was supposed to give her a catheter when they gave the epidural because um you’re supposed to be numb and can’t walk. She didn’t get the catheter until HOURS later even AFTER SIL told her repeatedly her bladder was full and she had to go. She ended up going to the bathroom herself after which the nurse scolded her saying don’t do that again, that’s dangerous. Bitch…if she would have fallen I bet she would have gotten PIZZAID for that shit.

Anyhoo. SIL pushed the baby on out at 3:23pm Monday June 27th. I took photos and video of the final labor/pushing/birthing stage. I was crunk. Here’s the little marshmallow:

I had a straight emotional breakdown in the car with Crabby on the way home, mouth full of Chick-fil-a fries and all. To go from one extreme, being a new aunt seeing new baby to the other, feeling the full weight of my loss and the fact that I am not pregnant right now was a lot to deal with.

Anyhoo, spending all that time in the hospital made me purse my lips and make mental notes to myself what I don’t want:

1. An epidural
2. SIL was ready to push almost a whole hour before the doctor got there. They made her “hold it” and not push until the doctor got there. Bitch, NAWL. Y’all ain’t finna tell me when and why to push, I’ll be got-damned (the Houston just came all the way out, my bad y’all). If she didn’t have the epidural I doubt she would have been able to “hold it”.
3. The hospital gave SIL the option to go home the next day (Tuesday). They told her she’d be ready to go around 4-5pm after they process all the paperwork. Crabby and I picked them up. Do you know we didn’t get them home until 9pm? They kept stalling talking about paperwork this and paperwork that. That really turned me off. When you’re ready to go, you’re ready to GO and she and the baby were basically being held prisoner.
4. A bunch of other stuff but that’s the main idea from that particular visit.

So I have my very first niece and am looking forward to helping her become awesome.

May

May was pretty crunk. I went to Sherbear’s wedding in NJ and stayed with my homie Kit in NY. The next week I was a bridesmaid in my stepmother’s wedding in Detroit. That’s wedding #3 I have bridesmaided (shut up) in. I’m waiting on pictures from the wedding to post them. If you go to my Tumblr you will see some photos from Sherbear’s wedding and highlights from the Detroit trip.

I received two bawse ass care packages from Monie Pony and Kelly; thank you again my loves.

Turned 27 on May 25th. It’s been a reflective birthday, figuring out who I am and what I really want and what I like/don’t like. All the little epiphanies that come with age/experience.

I don’t even want to read the blog posts about the miscarriage. I’ve been meaning to e-mail everyone who commented personally, but some days I just don’t want to think about it at all and e-mailing you means I have to open up the wound again so please don’t take it personal if you haven’t heard from me about it yet. Overall, I’m doing fine but there will be moments out of nowhere that are just like black holes of despair. My birthday week I would have been done with the first trimester then I’ll imagine what things would be like if things hadn’t gone wrong and down the rabbit hole I go. Blah.

Been working on the color blog more, and have been getting requests from strangers which has been nice. Hoping to focus more time on expanding it somewhat.

Other than that, discovered Pinterest and collect life coins every day pinning stuff I like. QQ told me after the miscarriage to visualize positive things, and what I want for future minicorn, etc. and Pinterest has been the perfect outlet. If you’re on there, holla at me! Cooking more, going to start posting recipes and dishes. Parenting 3 pets. How are you guys doing?

2 Thangs

So, there are basically 2 things going on right now.

You know how people always say there’s no such thing as being a little bit pregnant? Well that’s false ass false. When you’re pregnant, the pregnancy hormone, hcg, is what turns the test positive. Urine tests detect the hormone level at about 25. Less than 5 is non-pregnant levels. Although I stopped bleeding Saturday, I took a test Sunday and it was still faintly positive. So indeed I am still “a little bit pregnant”. The more you know, bitches. Anyhoo, the midwife said if my level doesn’t drop to non-pregnant levels “soon” I might need a D&C to remove any “products” left in there. I’m not too worried because on Tuesday April 12th, I got my blood drawn and the level was something like 514. Thursday April 14th,the level had fallen to the 300s. So for my test to be only faaaaintly positive on Sunday April 24th means my guess is it’s probably in the 20′s. Which means I should be down to non-pregnant levels this week. Got all that? They drew my blood yesterday and I should get the number tomorrow to see where I am exactly. The sooner the better so we can get started on Minicorn 2.0 (Minicorn the Remix?).

My arms are starting to look heroin-y from all the sticks I’ve been getting. I think I’m at 4 in the arm and 1 in the hip/ass (or hass, if you will) right now. Which brings me to the 2nd thang.

So I’m RH negative which means I had to get the Rhogam shot. The midwife and physician there seem to think it’s not too late for me to get the shot since I stopped bleeding on Saturday. Even though I started bleeding (well spotting) on April 10th and passed clots and tissue on April 14th, and got the shot on April 25th they don’t think it’s too late. Yeah, there were definitely some side-eyes thrown by me, but what am I gonna do at this point?

I asked the midwife if I should have my husband typed to see if he’s negative or positive. If he’s also negative, then I won’t ever need any injections and the injection I got yesterday was for naught. She said some shit like only if I’m adamant about not getting the shots in the future. Um, ma’am? MA’AM? Yeah I’m not getting booty shots (I hope spammers don’t google that and find my blog) if I don’t have to. So I had Crabby make an appointment, we’re getting his blood typed the fuck up stat. I know it’s only a small chance because the majority of the population has a positive blood type, but still. Type his blood the fuck up.

So basically if he does come back with a positive blood type, and the shot I got yesterday wasn’t too late, the shot should protect my next pregnancy. However, if I get pregnant and bleed for any reason (even if the baby’s ok) I have to get another shot. I also have a fun membership card that I have to carry with me at all times that says my blood type will kill babies and make me have a Sookie reaction if I get a transfusion of the wrong blood type (you’ll only get that if you’ve seen True Blood Season 4. I couldn’t find a clip on Youtube and I don’t want Kit to fight my face for spoiling anything).

The HA HA YOU'RE A MUTANT card

So I’ll just be waiting to hear my hormone levels tomorrow to see if I can get back on the baby train. Blah.

Doing Better

I’m doing better. E-mails coming soon to the lot of you.

I got my blood drawn Friday to see if I’m RH negative. I stopped bleeding/spotting Saturday. The midwives said make an appointment 2 weeks after the bleeding stops so I was going to call today. They called me a few minutes ago and asked when I stopped bleeding; I said Saturday. They told me I need to come in TODAY to get the emergency shot because oh yes indeed my blood type is negative.

Briefly, if the mother’s blood is negative and future babies are positive, if there was previous blood mixing (like a miscarriage) the mother’s blood will attack the future babies’ blood cells. There is a shot you’re supposed to get if you’re negative to protect the next pregnancy and that’s what I have to get today.

What scares me is I read you’re supposed to get the shot within a few days of the miscarriage. But when is “within a few days of the miscarriage”?? When you START bleeding? When you pass the tissue? When you stop bleeding? What if it’s too late? Sometimes negative blood-type women develop antibodies to the miscarriage blood and this is called sensitization. Sensitization is permanent, meaning if it occurs, the shot will not be effective at protecting future pregnancies. Then you could be looking at a full blood transfusion for future babies.

At least that’s what I gather from my brief reading on google about it. I will of course have more questions for the midwives when I get there this afternoon. Also, if Crabby’s blood type is also negative this whole post will be moot but there’s no time to wait for him to get typed just in case he is positive (the baby usually inherits the father’s type). Fucking hell.