Wow. S and A, our two beautiful, planned children. I wanted desperately to get to the next step in my career, feeling very much on pause while I nurtured and raised my daughters. I made myself release a lot of stress and pressure by focusing solely on the girls during A’s first year. After I weaned from breastfeeding when she turned 1 year old, I would have a bit more freedom to get back to “me”, whoever that was at this point. My husband and I would finally get some breathing room. More structure, more routine. More vacations! A 10-year anniversary trip to Maui was booked. A winter trip to Costa Rica was planned as soon as the airline opened seats that far in advance. The abdomen and hernia damage from A’s pregnancy would be surgically repaired. I met with the surgeon for a consultation and nodded affirmatively when he asked if we were finished having kids.
That, I was in the process of coming to peace with. Before kids were a reality, I always daydreamed I would have 4 children. The big family I never had and always wanted. Then I in turn had 2 awful pregnancies (3 if you include the miscarriage) that had me feeling like I was a prisoner in my own body. A labor turned emergency C-section with A (that’s a crazy story for another post) that transitioned into the most pain I have ever endured via surgery recovery. Hellish breastfeeding experiences both times until well into nursing (thanks lip and tongue ties). We projected into the future and agreed that 2 really was the perfect number for us personally, and our family goals.
Fertility was always a struggle. I definitely had to try and plan to get the girls here. So when I was 2 weeks late, I chalked it up to breastfeeding messing with my cycle. YOU THOUGHT, said my body. Plot twist, 6 weeks pregnant! While I was laughing with my co-workers about being done with pregnancy, while my husband and I made plans, while I booked flights, while I bought new clothes, while while while….Yung Fetus was in there smirking.
World has been upside down ever since. What are we going to do with a 3rd baby?? This was not in the plans. How are we going to be a traveling family of 5?? Do I have to get a minivan! How are we going to put 3 car seats in my car? Are we going to be broke forever? Will I ever be myself again???
What will be, will be. This baby will have a place at the table and we will be very happy to meet it.
Things I am currently swirling in my head:
-I have to have a 37 week c-section because I had a classical incision with A. Not happy about that at all. Will the baby be too small or have other issues? Google assures me that most 37-weekers do just fine.
-Who are you, baby? We are assuming girl even though you had jokes at my 16 week check-up and kept your legs mostly together. What is your name?
-If this is a girl, how am I going to survive doing 4 heads of natural hair every day/week?
-I have to get organized. I have to get a system. I have a planner, a separate to-do list with categories, and a Midori/traveler’s notebook. It’s happening.
-Please baby, be healthy. And don’t have a tongue or lip tie please lawd.
-Is my body going to be completely destroyed after this? When will I be “myself” again?
What a fork in the road the middle of this year became. I do feel peace, and I feel determination. See you soon.