What Was It?

Was it the Year of the Water Dragon?

Was it this fortune that I have kept at my desk this year and looked at every day?

Was it the HSG?

Was it the Mucinex? Or the baby aspirin? Or both?

Was it the threat of Clomid + IUI? And the racks on racks on racks money we would have had to spend on it?

Was it a cunty, sparkly rainbow of all of those factors?

After nearly of year of unsuccessful cycles, I had become testing-jaded. I was no longer one of those women who tested “early”. Nope, my period would be later than Colored People Time before I would even THINK about testing.

I felt some cramping last Tuesday. 9 days past (assumed) ovulation; also known as the most common implantation day. Implantation cramping or PMS cramping? Knowing me, of course it would be PMS cramping. A few days later, more cramping. Mm-hmm, PMS. My nipples hurt. That could be a pregnancy sign! But my nipples can hurt from PMS too. PMS. Fatigue. Pregnancy sign?!?! Nope, just good old PMS. The cramps were especially intense and productive feeling on Friday. 13 days past (assumed) ovulation. Period due Sunday. Mm-hmm. About right for PMS. Period is on her way. Goodbye, free baby. Hello, $1,000 baby (or babies). We gave it a good try. Time to move on to the big guns. My nipples hurt to the point where my shirt touching them hurt. Still tired. Maybe a little hungrier.

Saturday. My friend’s birthday dinner is Saturday night. At a steakhouse. A vegan in a steakhouse. My plan was fries, salad, and liquor. I felt a twinge. Maybe I should test to make SURE, even though this is totally PMS and of course I’m not pregnant. But I don’t want to feel guilty if I’m tippin’ back the cocktails. I have a dusty box of First Response Early Result tests. It’s no longer “early”. I am 14 days past (assumed) ovulation, and my period is due Sunday. I wake up that morning and I’m not cramping anymore. I’m supposed to be still cramping if the Period Express is on her way. Meh, whatevs. I pee in my non-drink-out-able Moroccan tea glass, kept under the sink for this explicit purpose. I dip the test in, set it on the counter, put the cap on. I’m washing my hands. I see something before the time limit, something that is there way before it’s supposed to be. Something before the control line, even. What? Nawl. I’m tripping. There’s nothing there. But I’ve tested so many times. I know when it’s negative. There is no pink. Just wide, blank, stark, white, laughing-at-you, negative, space. And the control line. But this is not that; not like the other cycles.

What even…………..

The timing.

Everything.

Is this happening?

Is minicorn here to stay?

No guarantees. I have so many miles to go. But I have to be happy and excited in the moment. Right now. One day at a time.

“And we danced into tomorrow on bleeding feet”

November 4th. Please. Stay with me.

Minicorn the Remix.