My existence is a life-long treasure hunt.

What Was It?

Was it the Year of the Water Dragon?

Was it this fortune that I have kept at my desk this year and looked at every day?

Was it the HSG?

Was it the Mucinex? Or the baby aspirin? Or both?

Was it the threat of Clomid + IUI? And the racks on racks on racks money we would have had to spend on it?

Was it a cunty, sparkly rainbow of all of those factors?

After nearly of year of unsuccessful cycles, I had become testing-jaded. I was no longer one of those women who tested “early”. Nope, my period would be later than Colored People Time before I would even THINK about testing.

I felt some cramping last Tuesday. 9 days past (assumed) ovulation; also known as the most common implantation day. Implantation cramping or PMS cramping? Knowing me, of course it would be PMS cramping. A few days later, more cramping. Mm-hmm, PMS. My nipples hurt. That could be a pregnancy sign! But my nipples can hurt from PMS too. PMS. Fatigue. Pregnancy sign?!?! Nope, just good old PMS. The cramps were especially intense and productive feeling on Friday. 13 days past (assumed) ovulation. Period due Sunday. Mm-hmm. About right for PMS. Period is on her way. Goodbye, free baby. Hello, $1,000 baby (or babies). We gave it a good try. Time to move on to the big guns. My nipples hurt to the point where my shirt touching them hurt. Still tired. Maybe a little hungrier.

Saturday. My friend’s birthday dinner is Saturday night. At a steakhouse. A vegan in a steakhouse. My plan was fries, salad, and liquor. I felt a twinge. Maybe I should test to make SURE, even though this is totally PMS and of course I’m not pregnant. But I don’t want to feel guilty if I’m tippin’ back the cocktails. I have a dusty box of First Response Early Result tests. It’s no longer “early”. I am 14 days past (assumed) ovulation, and my period is due Sunday. I wake up that morning and I’m not cramping anymore. I’m supposed to be still cramping if the Period Express is on her way. Meh, whatevs. I pee in my non-drink-out-able Moroccan tea glass, kept under the sink for this explicit purpose. I dip the test in, set it on the counter, put the cap on. I’m washing my hands. I see something before the time limit, something that is there way before it’s supposed to be. Something before the control line, even. What? Nawl. I’m tripping. There’s nothing there. But I’ve tested so many times. I know when it’s negative. There is no pink. Just wide, blank, stark, white, laughing-at-you, negative, space. And the control line. But this is not that; not like the other cycles.

What even…………..

The timing.

Everything.

Is this happening?

Is minicorn here to stay?

No guarantees. I have so many miles to go. But I have to be happy and excited in the moment. Right now. One day at a time.

“And we danced into tomorrow on bleeding feet”

November 4th. Please. Stay with me.

Minicorn the Remix.

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Comments on: "What Was It?" (38)

  1. *dances a jig* today is going to be a good day. This is the second blog like this I have read this morning. Congrats, prayers, love. . .alladat!

  2. *cupid shuffles all over this post*

    *goes rummaging for a certain yarn project…..* Oh shyt – the pattern was on my old comp and it crashed. *LMAO* Let me find that locate that bish all over again!

    • You don’t even understand how crunk I am over your project. I LOVE those colors, the fact you used cotton, everything. You’re awesome.

  3. Kingsmomma said:

    Crossing my fingers and sprinkling pixie dust. I’m aiming for a second Obama term and a newborn minicorn.

    Throwing up positive vibes for you two.

    Guess y’all got extra cirque du soleil

    • LMAO I was wondering if someone would bring that up because that’s exactly what I thought. OBAMA MINICORN 2012!!

  4. Congrats! Sending you good thoughts 🙂

  5. Wooohoooooo!!!!!!!!!

  6. So much fairy dust and unicorn sprankles coming atcha!!

    Ooooh, a fall baby shower!!!

    Yeah, I said it. I’m getting up in the universe’s grill with this shit. THERE WILL BE A SHOWER. I’m claiming it. Loud and proud!!

    • YES. GET SOME AUTUMN LEAVES AND SCATTER THEM ALL HAPHAZARDLY, IT’S GOING DOWN!! ❤

  7. You made me smile at my computer.

    • Wow, thank you! You have no link so I can’t see who you are but thank you so much!

  8. Me? I put it on Magical Cuntness Overflow levels, is simple really

    • You came to that conclusion scientifically I’m assuming? With lab coats and beakers?

  9. Year of the dragon AS FUCK my nigga!

    I have really good feelings about minicorn the remix but I’m holding my breath until your anxiety goes away. And I’m with Desiree. Finna be ALL IN the universe’s grill about this! So proud of you for doing the research and exhausting every possible avenue. I cannot wait for you to stunt with your bump.

  10. Kelly Saadiq said:

    DAMN YAMS!!! I’m diggin’ this and sending you all the bestest vibes/love/goodness for the blue light lounge remix. YAY!!!

  11. Congrats to you! I’m a long time lurker and so grateful you’ve been able to share your story here, as it has helped me going through a very very similar experience. To your sweet minicorn!

  12. Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    *cracks up* at “stunt your bump” I can’t wait to see either!! Yay!!!!!!!!
    Wishing you all the best of everything for baby minicorn!

  13. I told you. This is THE year for all kinds of amazing things to happen. It WILL happen. He or She will BE.

    ❤ Cas

    • Cas!!!! You did tell us. That dream K had?? Now it’s your turn. Year of the Dragon is for you too 🙂

  14. *inappropriate celebratory bachata dancing*

    Everyone at Casa Jaded will be rooting for Minicorn the Remix!!!!!

    • You know you done messed up right? You know I’m coming to writhe on your floor right?

  15. aw! so happy for you! praying for you and minicorn.

  16. *sticky baby vibes. sticky baby vibes. sticky baby vibes*

  17. Longtime lurker, but Hells to the Yeah about Minicorn the Remix!!!! Sending prayers your way!!!

  18. BethLanai said:

    so wait how ’bout my ass missed this post entirely!

    I blame this almost 42 year old brain it’s been fuckin’ up a lot lately lol

    squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am so happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I still can’t believe I missed this post

    *walks out mumbling I need to take some dang herbs, vitamins, minerals, rainwater something brain all fucked up, now what was I doing*

  19. Sooooooo happy for you! (Doing the Dougie at my desk for ya!) Congrats!

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