I post occasional statuses on FB, I comment on friends’ photos and walls. I tweet. I Tumbl. I smile. I laugh. But honestly, I feel like my life is not being fully lived right now. I feel like my life is on hold until this unanswered question is resolved. Will this ever happen for me? I’m ready. I want this. I’ve waited. I’ve researched. I’ve prepared. I’ve matured. I’ve watched too many others experience this, some who wanted, some who didn’t, some who weren’t ready but became ready. Will this ever happen for me? I feel like my life is grayed out right now. I’m not living in full color. The fog creeps in at any given moment. If I’m at home, I let it creep over me. I hold it at bay when I’m not at home. It’s weighing me down though.
I want to blog about my life, but I just can’t. My grandmother died and the funeral was last Saturday. I wanted to write about making that trip to Jacksonville, TX and the unique quirks that small country city life holds. I wanted to write about that feeling going to the cemetary for burial and seeing my grandfather’s tombstone poking out of the dark, starkly, welcoming my grandmother. I want to write. I can’t.
My appointment this month was cancelled because the doctor had surgery. So because I have to time the appointment at the “right” part of my cycle, I won’t get to go back in until November. And the waiting continues. Will this ever happen for me?