My existence is a life-long treasure hunt.


I post occasional statuses on FB, I comment on friends’ photos and walls. I tweet. I Tumbl. I smile. I laugh. But honestly, I feel like my life is not being fully lived right now. I feel like my life is on hold until this unanswered question is resolved. Will this ever happen for me? I’m ready. I want this. I’ve waited. I’ve researched. I’ve prepared. I’ve matured. I’ve watched too many others experience this, some who wanted, some who didn’t, some who weren’t ready but became ready. Will this ever happen for me? I feel like my life is grayed out right now. I’m not living in full color. The fog creeps in at any given moment. If I’m at home, I let it creep over me. I hold it at bay when I’m not at home. It’s weighing me down though.

I want to blog about my life, but I just can’t. My grandmother died and the funeral was last Saturday. I wanted to write about making that trip to Jacksonville, TX and the unique quirks that small country city life holds. I wanted to write about that feeling going to the cemetary for burial and seeing my grandfather’s tombstone poking out of the dark, starkly, welcoming my grandmother. I want to write. I can’t.

My appointment this month was cancelled because the doctor had surgery. So because I have to time the appointment at the “right” part of my cycle, I won’t get to go back in until November. And the waiting continues. Will this ever happen for me?


Comments on: "Gray" (9)

  1. Awww, honey, I’m not going to pretend I know what you’re feeling, but I am truly sorry you’re in limbo- it’s a horrible place to be.

    The only thing I can offer is this: whenever I’ve felt that something I wanted is not coming to me or will never come, it has helped to 1- ask myself if I really, truly need it and why? can I still live a happy life without it? and 2- take stock in what is already good in my life.

    It’s going to make you physically ill to walk around with this stress weighing heavy on your mind. Do whatever you need to take care of you because right now that is what matters the most.

    So sorry for your loss 😦


  2. MrsNumbles said:

    *snugs* I wish there was a way to comfort you, honey. Maybe your body is still healing…I certainly haven’t reached this point yet, so I couldn’t tell you. But you can’t let it eat away at you like this, or let it take over…that kind emotional turmoil can’t be good for you. Focus on what is making your life special right now. Go for day trips with the hubby, pick up a hobby or take a class…just get out of the house for a bit so you don’t sit and think about it constantly. Make that tofu spread I just sent you. ;o)

    I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother. I love how you spoke of your grandfather’s grave welcoming her. Hold that to your heart.

  3. Hi Gem – I also can’t say that I know what you are going through. And so I don’t want what I’m about to say to sound trite coming from me, someone who seems to get pregnant just by thinking about it. But I can say this: children come into our lives in all different ways, not just by the traditional method. And what makes someone a mother is not pregnancy and birth, but love and dedication and late nights and throwup and peeing in the bed. There are other ways to become a mom, and one way of letting go of the “whatifs” is to realize that even if this route was forever closed to you, mommyhood is still a real and totally-doable option for you. I happen to think that God does not close a door without opening another. You just have to be open to what’s behind door #2.

  4. *all the hugs I can give you* Dont lose out hope hun

  5. It’ll happen, I’m sure of it. It’ll just happen when its suppose to.

  6. I understand. Although we have one child, we tried for years to give her a little brother/sister. I’ve done the temping/charting, Metformin, checking cervical fluid & position, herbal supplements, hormones; everything except invasive medical procedures. I felt like a failure; I couldn’t understand why all these people around me that didn’t want to be pregnant were; I struggled to be happy for my loved ones that wanted to be pregnant & were. I’ve heard it all….. it’ll happen when it’s supposed to, stop worrying & you get pregnant, so & so tried for 14 yrs and when they gave up BAM! None of that really helped me. My personal journey led me to just stop. I felt like TTC was taking over my life, my marriage. That decision was probably 4 years ago & I still wonder if it was right.

    You’re right; writing will be a great outlet. Even if it’s not online – just write. Also, it’s okay for people to see your sadness allow you friends to support you. I don’t know much, but I do know whatever path takes you to motherhood, you’ll be great at it. If you need anything just email or Twitter me.

    Big Hugs for all you’re going through.

  7. Hold ya head up sista; it will get better….after the grey there’s a rainbow.

  8. Thanks for your comments everyone.

    Jaded: That’s really good advice and what I normally do. I can’t even say I’m stressed right now. Just sad.

    MrsNumbles: I WILL be trying that spread you sent! Thanks for the words about my grandparents. It certainly is bittersweet.

    LaToya: I know there are other options; I feel adoption is something I’ll consider if it comes to that point but I’m nowhere near feeling like I have to choose between trying the extreme and researching that. I am open to it should it come to that, but there is no comparison to the pregnancy and feeling the growth inside you, etc. which is just magical. Thank you for commenting, you never sound trite πŸ™‚


    Krissy: πŸ™‚

    Tina: Thank you so much for sharing that. I’ve actually been trying to find an online community of black women who are experiencing/have experienced what I’m going through. I haven’t been able to find not a one so it’s really nice to hear it from your perspective. A lot of people are unaware that secondary infertility happens often. Did they hit you with the ‘unexplained infertility’ diagnosis? ((hugs)) I am sorry you had to go through that. Thank you again for sharing.

    Nicki: I hope so :-). Funny thing is a lot of women online call the pregnancy/baby after a miscarriage the ‘rainbow baby’.

  9. *clears throat*
    I know I have been out of the loop for a while, dealing with soon to be incarcerated half siblings of my children, balancing all kinds of douchebaggery while maintaining my sanity (barely), and just doing the best I can not to lay down and die. With that being said, I just want you to know that the best things in life never come easy. I know you want a baby really really badly right now. I haven’t a doubt in my mind that you will be the spectacular mom I know you already are…the soul is waiting and as soon as he or she is ready to enter your life, he or she will appear. In the meantime, be at peace with all that has transpired and be content with all that you have right now…down to the very moment you read these words. Focus on love. When you feel grays creeping up on you think of pinks and fuschias and the colors of the sky when the sun is setting on an absolutely perfect day. Think of fields of lavender and warm breezes and the sound of the ocean while wind chimes echo in the back of your mind. Focus on love.


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