This was pretty much my weekend. Shut in, eating cupcakes, drinking Smirnoff, eating fries, crying, texting, watching NBA playoffs, etc.
I’m pretty sure I had zero nutrients this weekend. Which brings me to a point. This point is ONLY for family/friends who live nearby and actually COULD benefit from this. Actually we can ALL benefit from this as we have grieved, will grieve, or are close to someone who has grieved or will grieve.
If you are close to someone and they are grieving, stop asking what you can do for them. Just do something. Or just offer an ear/shoulder/hand to talk and cry. The main reason I thought of this was the fact that I had zero nutrients this weekend. I eat vegan. Which means I have to cook every day in order to get something substantive. Crabby does not know how to cook most of my meals without me being in there to direct or us cooking together. Last week I did not want to think. I did not want to do anything. I just needed to exist while the world kept turning. So if I’m not cooking and Crabby isn’t cooking you have a recipe for a french-fry filled weekend. You know what would have been nice? If someone cooked something for me. If “What do you need me to do?” turned into “Please let me in the gate, I brought you a dish.” I think we can all learn a lesson here. When someone is grieving, their BASIC NEEDS need to be met, but damned if the grieving person is going to attempt to meet them. HELP THEM. Now, my mother did cook a dish for me the first day I went to the doctor but it was in my kitchen and I had to tell her where everything was and how to do certain things. All require thinking.
Grief is messy and makes people uncomfortable. It takes a lot to sit with someone and not talk and not do and not fuss. Most people can’t.
That’s what people continued to do. Ask me what they should be, could be doing. As if I had the first fucking clue. As if I could think about anything but dead babies for even a second. As if breathing wasn’t difficult enough, now I have to think about you? A healthy, non-grieving person and I have to task you with something so you can feel better about yourself? You want something to do? You want to get me something?
Just hold my hand and stop asking me questions. I have no answers – just hold my hand.
Let me know if there’s anything I can do.
You know why people say that? So they can feel better about themselves. So they can feel like they’ve extended a hand. But the thing is, grieving people can’t think. I think non-grieving people know that, they count on it, so they won’t have to interrupt their own lives to tend to a messy grieving person that makes them uncomfortable. BUT, they can say ‘well, I told her to tell me if she needed anything. She didn’t say anything so I guess she’s okay.’
I. AM. NOT. OKAY.
You know what you do for grieving people if you can’t stand to be around them? You go to their fucking house and you bring a casserole. You sweep their fucking kitchen floor. You put in a load of their fucking laundry. You bring fucking flowers. You sit on their fucking sofa and say a rosary. You look them in the eye and squeeze their hand and say “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
Anyhoo, I’m functioning. It still hurts. I’m still having nuclear meltdowns at home. One good thing is the bleeding has lightened considerably. If it could do me a favor and just LEAVE that would be great. I started a new chart on Fertility Friend. I stupidly gave away my digital ovulation smiley thingies to a co-worker who has been having difficulty trying to conceive. So I ordered a box on Amazon. I can start back cleaning out Max’s litter box. I was able to button my pants all the way with no discomfort. I read that pregnant women shouldn’t use lavender products so I avoided the Dr. Bronner’s lavender soap Crabby brought home. I’m using it now.
One thing that has sunk in is that I am surrounded by so many good people, most of which happen to not live near me. Thank you so much. For your calls (even though I may not have been able to answer), your texts, your e-mails, your blog posts, your comments, sharing your own stories of loss, your kind words that I am a strong, calm, logical, serene person, your suggestions for coping, and researching, trying to cheer me up and make me laugh with otter pictures, youtube links, everything. Everything. The daily checking in. Thank you. I am a little overwhelmed, like you care? Why? What did I do to deserve this? Are you sure? I truly cannot express how much I appreciate you and NEEDED you these several days. Thank you.