My existence is a life-long treasure hunt.

Changing Gears

The phone call confirmation. My hormone levels are falling. I knew in my heart minicorn left Sunday, but to hear it confirmed was a blow like I knew it would be. I think of it as the minicorn had one last fun night out with me, qq, la, and monie before it had to leave. The tears I’ve cried since Sunday weren’t really fear, they were tears of grief. I knew. Everyone said it happens, it’s normal to spot, but once I realized my symptoms were gone the same day, I knew.

So now I am someone who is “one loss at 5 weeks”. I am having a miscarriage. I knew this could happen. I even put a disclaimer on the first pregnancy post at the end. But I allowed myself to get so excited because everything was so perfect. We had been trying. Our 5 year anniversary is December, right around the due date. The ladybug. The supermoon. I was already planning on getting a stuffed ladybug for the nursery and a blown up print of the supermoon.

The physical part is not so bad. I do hope the bleeding finishes soon so I can start planning to try again. The scientist in me is interested in the process and products of the process. I wonder if I’ll see anything or just the clots and tissue I’ve been passing since last night.

The emotional part is making me want to not be me for the next few days. I want all your drugs and alcohol now please. I have to make a conscious effort to change gears. I have lost my symptoms. My body pillow is not necessary right now although max is loving it. I can put the Belly Band in a drawer. I won’t need those roomy breezy cute tunic tops I bought. I can empty the online shopping cart with forever 21 that had all the leggings and camis to wear under the tunics. I will not have a baby in December. I will not have a baby in 2011. I might not be pregnant at crabby’s sister’s baby shower in June. I probably won’t be pregnant when I fly up for Sherbear’s wedding nor the weekend after for my stepmother’s wedding. I won’t have a baby shower in November and Mackie won’t take my pictures in October. I cancelled the appointment with the homebirth midwife. I won’t need my 8 week appointment on April 29 when I would have probably seen an ultrasound and maybe heard a heartbeat. I should be 6 weeks today. I should cancel all the pregnancy newsletters I’m getting. All these pregnancy snacks will go uneaten. So many threads to unravel so many thoughts to slowly back out of and turn around.

I’m ok. I’ll be ok. I’m grieving. I hope I can be pregnant as soon as possible. This minicorn couldn’t stay but hopefully another one will.


Comments on: "Changing Gears" (10)

  1. Can’t edit on my phone but also thank you. All your comments, texts, phone calls, e-mails, tears, everything. I love you all.

  2. Love you

  3. BethLanai said:

    babygirl…I am so sorry…

    I offer you all the e-hugs you need…

  4. So sorry you have to experience this. You taught me something, a young friend of mine had a unexpected misscarriage while planning her wedding. While I acknowleged it was a loss, I don’t think I really understood how big a loss. I even said, at least you’ll be all sleek in your wedding dress. (cringe). I need to apologize for that. She;s five months pregnant now. It’s gonna happen.

  5. unexpected meaning she didnt know she was pregnant.

  6. Sher-Bear said:

    I’m more sorry than I have the words for, Dixie. I hate knowing that you had to go through something like that. But there will be another minicorn. Will call you tomorrow, kay?

    **snugs** Love you, too.

  7. I’m so sorry, hon!! I’m sending much love from BK, and maybe a little something to smile at, if only for a minute:


  8. Gem, I’m so sorry for your loss.

  9. There are just no words to say how sorry I am. Please know you are in my thoughts ❤ *hugs*

  10. They always come back. You are too wonderful to not have this. Smile and get busy. *hugs*

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