Yesterday afternoon, the spotting was no more. Bleeding took over from there. Bleeding and cramps. Like I’m on my period. I was crying so hard yesterday when I got home it literally felt like my eyes were turning inside out. I tried to distract myself at work with Twitter, Tumblr, Words with Friends, actual work. When I got home all bets were off. My friends texted me, I texted back. I couldn’t talk without crying so I texted. I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel right now.
Mackie said maybe it could be cysts causing it. I don’t know. I don’t have any to my knowledge, but I’ve never been specifically checked. Then again, wouldn’t a doctor have been able to feel cysts/fibroids during my annual exams if I did have them? Would they show up on an ultrasound? I just don’t know. I go in today to see if my hcg levels increased appropriately. I had a dream last night that they told me the numbers decreased and I was indeed having a miscarriage.
I had 1 pad in the inner zipper in my purse that I kept for that time of month so I wouldn’t be put on blast at work. After the pregnancy test, I tentatively put the pad under my bathroom cabinet, in disbelief that the days of my agonizing periods with the worst cramps known to man were over. I put 3 pads in the inner zipper in my purse today to cover me while I’m at work. I’m walking backward. The sky is completely gray today with a slight breeze.
My thoughts are completely in the dark. It’s ok if you don’t want to board the train to Morbid Ville. You shouldn’t have to. I keep thinking this minicorn died Sunday, when I lost my symptoms and began to spot. So now I’m sitting here at work with a dead fetus trying to be expelled. In the shower, Bob Marley’s Is This Love played in my head but my sick self switched love for blood. Is this blood, is this blood, is this blood, is this blood that I’m feeling? For some reason it was Corinne Bailey Rae’s version that was playing. Sometimes it’s easier to expect the worst rather than hope for something you really feel won’t happen.
It’s really hard sitting here at work talking to these students. I have 4 more to see before I can get out of here. The cramps are really painful and I can’t take anything for it right now. I have to keep checking to make sure I’m not soaking through my pad. This is not how I want things to be. Why does stuff like this have to happen to people who are ready, prepared, who want a child? My friend’s sorority sister is pregnant and at the beginning she was devastated. She actually said she didn’t believe in abortion but prayed to god that she would get into a car wreck and lose the baby. What kind of shit is that? But I’m the morbid one? Why can’t this shit happen to people like her and not people like me? Now she’s all happy and sparkly, showing off her bump. Am I being punished for being so excited so early?