My existence is a life-long treasure hunt.

Walking Backward

Yesterday afternoon, the spotting was no more. Bleeding took over from there. Bleeding and cramps. Like I’m on my period. I was crying so hard yesterday when I got home it literally felt like my eyes were turning inside out. I tried to distract myself at work with Twitter, Tumblr, Words with Friends, actual work. When I got home all bets were off. My friends texted me, I texted back. I couldn’t talk without crying so I texted. I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel right now.

Mackie said maybe it could be cysts causing it. I don’t know. I don’t have any to my knowledge, but I’ve never been specifically checked. Then again, wouldn’t a doctor have been able to feel cysts/fibroids during my annual exams if I did have them? Would they show up on an ultrasound? I just don’t know. I go in today to see if my hcg levels increased appropriately. I had a dream last night that they told me the numbers decreased and I was indeed having a miscarriage.

I had 1 pad in the inner zipper in my purse that I kept for that time of month so I wouldn’t be put on blast at work. After the pregnancy test, I tentatively put the pad under my bathroom cabinet, in disbelief that the days of my agonizing periods with the worst cramps known to man were over. I put 3 pads in the inner zipper in my purse today to cover me while I’m at work. I’m walking backward. The sky is completely gray today with a slight breeze.

My thoughts are completely in the dark. It’s ok if you don’t want to board the train to Morbid Ville. You shouldn’t have to. I keep thinking this minicorn died Sunday, when I lost my symptoms and began to spot. So now I’m sitting here at work with a dead fetus trying to be expelled. In the shower, Bob Marley’s Is This Love played in my head but my sick self switched love for blood. Is this blood, is this blood, is this blood, is this blood that I’m feeling? For some reason it was Corinne Bailey Rae’s version that was playing. Sometimes it’s easier to expect the worst rather than hope for something you really feel won’t happen.

It’s really hard sitting here at work talking to these students. I have 4 more to see before I can get out of here. The cramps are really painful and I can’t take anything for it right now. I have to keep checking to make sure I’m not soaking through my pad. This is not how I want things to be. Why does stuff like this have to happen to people who are ready, prepared, who want a child? My friend’s sorority sister is pregnant and at the beginning she was devastated. She actually said she didn’t believe in abortion but prayed to god that she would get into a car wreck and lose the baby. What kind of shit is that? But I’m the morbid one? Why can’t this shit happen to people like her and not people like me? Now she’s all happy and sparkly, showing off her bump. Am I being punished for being so excited so early?



Comments on: "Walking Backward" (17)

  1. Monique 218 said:

    I went through this, it’s no fun. SHIT.

  2. Oh my god, I just logged on for the first time this week. Fuck fuck fuck. I’m so sorry, my heart is breaking for you. I’m going to call you later but you don’t have to pick up if you don’t want to.

    I love you.

  3. We are here for you, ok? Let everything out, even those morbid thoughts cause this should be your place to do that be sad or be angry, like I told you, dont hold on to any negative cause you need your strength for the next leg of the journey whatever that next step may be

  4. kingsmomma said:

    I typed and erased multiple times over. Still i have nothing. There is nothing that i can say to ease the pain and anger you would be feeling. Know that you have every right to feel whatever you are feeling. Stay strong. I know the universe has some minicorns waiting just for you.

    Stay positive and know you’re in our thoughts.

  5. What kingsmomma said. My sis just recently went through the same thing and it’s so hard to say anything that really helps. Also, due to your descriptions of your cycle, have you ever been screened for endometriosis? Untreated it can affect pregnancy, but is very treatable. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

  6. Again…just thinking of you and praying/hoping/wishing for all goodness

  7. BethLanai said:

    QQ said it best…let it all out…everything…then let it go…

    things happen for a reason…as cliche-ish as that sounds…it is quite true…

    I had a miscarriage and an eptopic pregnancy before I had the boy…

    I actually thought I wasn’t able to carry a child…and now I have this rockhead 18 year old all up in my home eatin’ all my good food!

    no matter the outcome now…everything will work out for the greater good…

    stay focused, stay strong, stay positive…

    you are in my thoughts and prayers darlin’

  8. I have no words except you are in my thoughts.

  9. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I’m hoping for the best for you. When I read your last post I was thinking about how some sorry mom’s I know have such easy pregnancies.

  10. More positive thoughts, hugs and prayers.

  11. I wanna hug you so hard right now. I do.

  12. i agree. write. write it all, every single word and emotion. and when you’re done and you feel something else, write it down too. don’t keep a single doubt inside of you because you need room to grow and so does your minicorn. you both need space to be happy and free and feel good.

    don’t even prepare for the worst. prepare to be a mother. prepare for all your dreams to become reality. they ARE your reality. walk like that. think like that. whether it’s now or later, it will be because it is.

    i’m angry for you because i recognize someone who like me wants something very badly, and so i’l ride the morbid train with you…….but while we ride, let’s keep our bags close ’cause our destination has to be coming up!

  13. Been thinking about you all day….

  14. Sher-Bear said:

    I’m heavily co-signing the ladies right now. Let. It. Out. Scream, rant, rage and rave, vent, weep….we’re your sounding board, the shoulder you need(besides Crabby’s), the brick wall you want to beat your head against. No matter what you’re feeling, know that we’re here, okay?

    *snugs* Sending more love and positivity your way. Dixie.

  15. I’m so so sorry to hear. My love, thoughts, and prayers.

  16. I feel like someone dropped an anvil on my head. Gem. Everything is going to be ok. Take deep breaths and get to the Doctor honey.

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