When you’re afraid of something in particular, that you will get answers to at a designated point in time, said point seems so far away. So you’re left with nothing but empty, loud, quiet time to stretch your fear out.
Last Friday I was 5 weeks but it was too busy at work to do my weekly blog post update; the picture is still in my phone. Then I met QQ, La, and Monie for the first time Friday night and we had fun that night and Saturday night. I am so amazed at the friendships I have been able to make online. That’s now 6 online people I have met in person along with Kit, Mrs. Mary Mack, and Desiree and they are ALL my friends. Everything is so easy with them. I’m going to another online friend’s wedding next month where I will see MORE online friends. Awesome. Anyhoo, so that was my weekend.
I did a lot of research before I got pregnant. Good scenarios, bad scenarios, you name it and I have probably read about it. Reading about women who went through loss made me realize how often it happens. With that in mind I had been checking my tissue almost every time I went to the bathroom to make sure there was no blood. All clear until Sunday. Sunday, I saw watery, pinkish-red and that was the beginning of my descent to Purgatory Hell where I currently am today. I lost it. Sunday + Monday I had random sobbing breakdowns out of fear. I was so afraid that I’m losing the minicorn. I also knew loss of symptoms could be another bad sign so everyday (unless the symptoms were obvious) I would take a silent moment of tuning into myself to see if I felt anything. Sunday, I didn’t feel anything when I woke up but I didn’t freak out until I saw the spotting.
My cousin called me because her mom told her because my mom told her about the spotting (note to self: zip it in the future) and gave me the it’s normal speech and maybe I was so excited the symptoms were in my head anyway because lots of pregnant women don’t have symptoms early. NO, dear, these symptoms were ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT in my imagination. Last week, I got to work and realized I forgot to bring soymilk for my Cheerios. I was working a half-day and thought, ok I can make it until 12pm, I’ll be fine though my stomach was growling. WRONG. I was so hungry I had to resort to scooping handfuls of dry Cheerios into my mouth to take the hunger edge off. I did NOT imagine that. I have NEVER been that hungry and I do NOT eff with dry Cheerios like that. I don’t think I can imagine turning a cereal bag into a straight-up feed trough. That hunger is not here right now.
My nipples aren’t sore like they were last week. I’m not waking up with hip/back pain like I did last week. I don’t feel bloated and crampy like I did last week. I’m not having slight nausea like I did last week. I’m not getting as tired like I did last week. I wasn’t spotting last week.
That combo has been fucking me up since Sunday. Went to the midwife practice yesterday, she did an exam, said she could see blood (or bleeding can’t remember how she worded it) in/on my cervix but can’t tell why I’m bleeding. I’m so early, you see. Of course I didn’t know I was early, I needed for her to say it OVER AND OVER again. Yes of course. I’m early and I didn’t know that until you said it 27 times. Thanks midwife. I would never have known.
What I’m waiting for are my Beta numbers. The hormone that turns your pregnancy tests positive. You have to have 2 blood draws, 2 days apart. The number on the 1st day is supposed to double or close-to double 2 days later. If it does, I can relax for now. If the numbers are decreasing, well that’s it. Close up shop. Game over. It will be ending. Thursday is so far away right now, I can’t even tell you. I can’t concentrate on anything else. I can’t stop thinking about this. Don’t worry, don’t stress, yeah I know all of that. I am afraid.
Yes, I know if the dreaded happened it doesn’t mean it would happen again and I will conceive again. I KNOW that. I do not CARE about that right now, well-meaning people and midwife. My thoughts, focus, and hopes are on THIS pregnancy RIGHT NOW. My FIRST pregnancy that is so wanted and cherished. My little minicorn who has organs and is developing a face this week. This is MINE. I MADE THIS. I DON’T WANT TO LOSE THIS. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO TURN AROUND AND GO DOWN A DARK PATH. I want this December. This perfect December.
If you want to tell me all the stories about spotting that turned out normal, that’s fine. If you want to tell me stories about spotting that did not turn out normal, that’s fine. It’s all life. It happens. Still spotting. It’s enough for me to need a pantiliner but still not a lot. It’s mostly brown which I hope is a good thing considering. 50 percent of women who bleed/spot in the first trimester go on to have healthy babies. 50 percent of women who bleed/spot in the first trimester go on to have a miscarriage. Until Thursday…