My existence is a life-long treasure hunt.


So, on our anniversary night Crabby went to help his cousin with something and upon leaving saw a cat meowing loudly and trying to pick stuff off the ground to eat, and just generally looking adorable. He couldn’t leave him out there so he brought him home.

The cat looked generally healthy and had no collar/tags; by it’s temperament it clearly was a housecat. He made a late-night run to get some food and a litter box.

The next day we took it to the Humane Society to get checked out and learned that ‘it’ was a ‘he’, he was 3-4 years old, he had been de-clawed and neutered, and he was in perfect health. No microchip. I had been considering putting fliers up in the area but after hearing he had been de-clawed I got pissed and nixed the flier idea. You don’t let a cat go outdoors who has been de-clawed; it is defenseless. Tis extremely cruel. So we went to Petsmart and stocked up on cat goods and now we have a cat.

Sidebar: The Humane Society featured the resident staff cats; one with only one eye and one with only three legs. The one-eyed cat would walk around the whole reception area, checking on people and their pets in the waiting area. Some dude came in with a brolic rottweiler named Barack, a 3 year old grizzly bear sized white bulldog with mange or skin allergies or something kept farting butane blasts, a lady walked around singing Danke Schoen, another lady with rollers and a shower cap talked about how her dog would do anything for some cheese, and there was something in a shoebox.

We eventually agreed on the name Maximus or alternatively, any cunty variation of Max including Maxy-pooh among others. He is VERY vocal, I’m talking 2 and 3 syllable words. You can say “Hi kitty!” and he’ll say “Mraaaoow!” Or he’ll come look at you and say “Oommraooww?” and you’ll say “What?” and he’ll say “Mrraow!” He has different cat words and I’m learning what each mean. This is the first cat experience ever for both of us so we have a lot to learn. Seeing him use the litter box then get out and cover up the “mess” is hilarious. I knew cats were fastidiously clean but man this is high comedy.

He and our dogs are slowly getting used to each other. He and Pookie (the poodle) have a wary agreement worked out and can be around each other; Topaz is still like WTF Mom and Dad a little bit. Max has a BEAUTIFUL coat; he’s a tabby with the white in the front. Golden brown with dark brown stripes. Some of the stripes on his back are more like spots and his head is like a ginger red golden brown color. Clear peridot green eyes.

So all you cat people come in, welcome! Anything I should know? Oh, the first night we had him he meowed a lot (we kept him in a crate) so at 6am Friday (I was off work) I went in there and he got on my lap (on the loveseat) and we slept together like that for 2 hours.

I still wonder if I should put fliers up but I just don’t understand how an indoor cat is suddenly outside out of nowhere in the middle of the night and if he WAS an indoor/outdoor cat I kind of think whoever had him doesn’t deserve him as he was not microchipped, had no collar/tags, and was de-clawed. Iono. What chall think?

And now the pictures!

In conclusion, I would like to again stress the importance  of surrounding yourself with quality people in your life. Here are some of the text messages and FB messages I received:

On what to do with a new cat:

FB friend: fill a bowl with vodka and let it sip on that…it will knock out and then you put it out without a scratch! you’re welcome!

FB friend #2: Love it! And then IDK after that… :/

Alex: That cat conned yall. He just wanted a place to crash. He’s gonna tear your crib up n blame it on Pookie then rob y’all blind.

Regarding what to name the cat:

KB: Kitty wiggums!

KB: What about Bitcha Bitechoface?

Cas: All time great MLB player Satchel Paige. Because kitty has balls, yo.

KB: Kitty Berray

QQ: Or Lopez Ramirez *my last name*

QQ: All my pets have people middle names so I respectfully suggest Omarion for his middle name

QQ: Oh how bout Tupac Omarion *my last name* a lil bit hard a lil bit bitchass?

FB friend #3: Unity! (You have to have seen the Dave Chappelle/Rick James skit to get that one)

When I showed QQ the pic of the cat laid out her response was: I can’t even understand how Tupac is already laid out by Topaz blankie (so upset that she has deemed him Tupac, oh and Crabby tried to name him Jaws, I absolutely cannot)

When I told QQ I thought the cat was a boy because I didn’t feel any nipples:

QQ: You molested a strange Boycat?…hmm boycatt is a good name


Comments on: "Cat" (18)


    Only a G such as a Tupac or a Lopez Ramirez or a BoyCatt would do something so GANSTA so as to show up in a strangers house with 2 dawgs and so very much regulate


  2. HAHA at the dog named Barack

    Max is a boring name. I like Tupac and Omarion.

    you could always name him Tiger

  3. PoliBohoGlam said:

    Okay, so here’s the unpopular answer.
    I think you should flier. You really don’t know how BoyCatt got outside. It could very well have been a mixup/ misunderstanding/ accident/ inattentive cat sitter or whatever. Plus, indoor kitties get REAL anxious to leave the house and will try to play an unsuspecting visitor into letting them out. I’ve seen it happen.
    Jedi mind trick kitties can be manipulative like that.
    Collars and the like can be lost. Cassidy cat is good at getting rid of hers all of the time.

    You could also just decide that the cat is yours now and that’s that.

    I kinda like BoyCatt. It’s cute. Or Luther like Luther Vandross, since he’s so vocal.

  4. Can't Take It said:

    Not all indoor cats are hankering to get out. My best friends parents have owned over 10 cats and not one showed a desire to go outside.

    I’d check around the neighborhood first and see if you find a flier put up by the owners; because if they really want that cat back, they’ll have one ready by now. So keep an eye out, and think about calling the vet back to see if they’ve heard about a lost cat that fits Max’s description.

    I can’t say I want that cat to go back to its owners, though. De-clawing is thoroughly inhumane; it’s not just the claw that’s removed…its the entire first knuckle..that’s amputation. And the majority of cats who are de-clawed undergo major personality changes, and not for the better.

    For fun? Catnip toys, feathers, and a pen laser. He’ll lose his ever loving mind over that. *LOL* Get something brush/comb him with too, if you don’t want cat hair all over. And I like Maximus. Though I’m sure I’ll be calling him Maximillionbucks or something equally ridiculous to that effect eventually. Besides, the Grinch’s adorable sidekick pooch was named Max…so it works for me!

  5. Umm… I second naming him Tupac. And keep him. Sending a declawed cat outside is just inhumane and irresponsible. I have 6 of the muh-fuggas (5 with claws) and they NEVER want to go outside.

    *screaming with glee to not be the only chaw-clatte blogger with cat (ok, several cats) in the house*

    You have everything pretty much set. Clean the litterbox err’day, feed him on a schedule (1/4 of a cup should do it), and he should be fine. They LOVE barley (aka cat grass aka “the shit” aka that green her-ron; you can get it at the grocery store or in Chia Pet form), and fresh catnip always trumps dried. If you want to see comedy, give that cat some catnip. Even better, go to the Geekitty store on etsy and buy him a plushy nintendo controller full of the shit. The results will be hilarious. I promise.

    YASSSS to the penlight, too. They love that shit.

    Oh, and before you invest in a shitload of cat toys, get a milk ring (or something similar since I know you prolly ‘on drink it) and see how that works out. Or roll up a ball of foil. Anything shiny that they can bat around is GOLDEN.

  6. That’s a beautiful cat…and that’s the nicest I’m going to be because I don’t like cats…but I do like panthers (weird, I know).

  7. you animal lovers slay me… had it been me, lil Maximus Tupac Omarion Lopez would still be meowing outside….

    My kids: Mommy look there’s a cat outside in the cold. It looks lost and hungry.

    Me: That’s nice. So anyway, last night on Degrassi…


    *waits for audience applause*

    Well forgetchall then!!

    *stomps away*

  8. QQ: *slides papers toward you* Gone and sign on the dotted line. DIVORCE.

    Chanel: I thought about naming him Tiger but then the lack of claws changed my mind.

    PBG: First, let’s fight for you continuing the legacy of Boycatt. I thought about this too but, the middle of the night? Like 11:30 pm? Just seems unlikely and he clearly wasn’t out for too long. I know a lot of indoor kitties who like to LOOK outside but don’t want to go outside. iCANT at Luther. When I thought he was a girl I thought about Beyonce or some other caterwauling singer, that’s how vocal he is.

    Sherbear: I considered this also (that loving owners would put fliers up) so I think I will look around although the spot Crabby found him in is really awkward neighborhood-wise it was basically like across from a corner store on a main street with a couple apts nearby…but I definitely will check. And me and you are HERE on not necessarily wanting him to go back. I HATE when owners de-claw their cats; it’s so unbelievably cruel. Like, if your ass can’t handle cat scratches don’t get a cat. I’m lucky cause Max is SUCH a snuggle slut and pretty friendly. I DEF need to get him some catnip; we got a brush for him. I welcome any and all ridiculous variations of Max.

    Alicia: Why do I surround myself with Tupac-cat name supporting people? And yes, I’m leaning toward keeping him too. Plus we already paid vet costs for this little bastard. I think the feeding thing is what I have to get used to because it seems like he’s ALWAYS hungry/asking for food, and he’s not overweight at all. “aka cat grass aka “the shit” aka that green her-ron” *CRIES* They have a NINTENDO CONTROLLER CATNIP THING?! I’m sold. A milk ring you say? Hmm I haven’t heard of such a thing. I’ve heard the aluminum foil thing too. So many ideas. I tried to bootleg one of the dog toys but he was like NAWL BISH.

    BCU: Not weird at all. What don’t you like about cats?

    Jaded: *revs up child-size (motored for some reason) machete* Meet me outside.

  9. Hey, thats my cat!

  10. nope. dont put up NAN fliers!

    @ QQ okay i hate you for the ramirez shit…i think kitty wiggums is HAWT

  11. nonotthejacket said:

    I love Maximus! I have a stuffed cow named Max. Or you could’ve named him Nathaniel (never Nate) like my other stuffed cow. And when he hides around the house you could call him all out his name like Cedric the Entertainer… “Nathaniel?? NAY-THAN-YOLLL!!!!!”

    Eh, fugg a flier. Be it putting one up or searching for one. (What??) He’s too cute to send back. You and Crabby will love him plenty!

  12. HA bitchesssssss Tupac Omarion Lopez Ramirez!! I ain’t even ACKNOWLEDGING any other Nammables

    Good Day!



    Check the other stuff out, too. HILaaaaaaaaaaaaaRIOUS.

  14. I just noticed that one of my little hellians is actually in the etsy listing. It’s the second to last picture.


  15. soooo i like Boycatt. lol.

    and he’s adorable.. and i absolutely abhor cats… so that’s saying a lot. (i’m severely allergic though, i have no choice. lol)

    hmm i’d say go around and see if you see any fliers up. if not, keep Mr. Tupac Boycatt Ramirez.


    loving the new digs!

  16. ali la loca said:

    Good for you for taking him in!! What a beautiful cat, and isn’t it wonderful to snug in with a cat for a couple of hours, especially in the winter?


    – Get your vet to give you a prescription for Revolution. You can get it online relatively cheap, but you need a vet’s scrip. It prevents fleas and ticks, but more importantly it prevents heartworms which are deadly. Super easy to administer, they are drops you put on the skin behind the cat’s neck.

    – Look out for feeding your cat canned food. It usually results in farts. 😦

    – If your cat ever looks like he is straining to pee (lingering in the litterbox for a couple minutes too long, peeing but only a couple of drops come out, licking his genitals a lot, or peeing in places other than the box) get him to the vet immediately. Male cats suffer from urinary crystals – totally treatable – but if not taken care of, the urinary canal can get blocked and they can die within a day or so. This is how we lost our beautiful baby Parceiro in Moz, so it is an especially sensitive issue for me to make new cat owners aware of.

    – Buy some catnip! Be entertained. 🙂

  17. Woodstock: Oh word?

    KB: Ok, everyone is focused on Tupac and let her get away with Lopez Ramirez.


    QQ: Nammables, bish?

    Alicia: BOOKMARKED! I’m so destroyed that one of your cats is modeling.

    Muze: Aw, I’m sorry you’re allergic! That sucks. Thank you for visiting the new digs 😉

    ali: Yes, winter cat snuggles make life worth living. We’ve been doing Revolution (or something similar?) for our dogs so we’ll definitely have him protected. Every now and then, we’ll drop some wet food in his bowl with the dry food but VERY little. Thank you for the info on the urinary crystals; I had no idea! Wow.

  18. assertivewit said:

    Imagine me trying to read this hilarious blog from my phone at 5 am! I almost dropped the phone on the baby’s head twice LOL (this is LVsMommy). Your friends suggestions had me laughing like hell all silently so I wouldn’t wake the kid and her daddy

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